One more day, still wondering how long I can keep it up. How can I see meaning and purpose in what seems purposeless? The truth is: It does not make any sense so far. I fear not being good enough for my relationships. I created this blog initially to encourage others. However, it seems I have been helped by the posts!

I want to dive down into the matter of feelings and affections of my life.

I struggle with high expectations about others and the way I wish I would be treated by them. I can recall several times when I interpreted hard affirmations about me as my identity, such as:

- Ryan, you are so selfish! And a religious fanatic!
- Friend, why are you so weird like that?
- He´s so small..
- You´re a slacker..
- A person who has a real faith wouldn´t do that nor feel this way! ( First time I practiced self-harm)
- Really? depressed? Why, because nothing´s lacking in your life.

By Faith Not By Feelings

Hebrews 11:1

11 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

It’s a powerful verse that I really needed to remember, because I have this strong sense of;

On the contrary, I might feel like I am failing with God and not seeking his will, and I don´t wanna frustrate someone else for the umpteenth time. It leads me to a performance-based life.

I really need to remind myself that God will be by my side even when everything around feels like it’s falling apart and desperation takes over. God knows what will happen in my life and even though I can’t comprehend what’s going on right now, I know that God says that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is the one who catches me when I fall; He is the one who helps me recover when I fail.

Lead me in the way everlasting

The truth is that I am still learning how to grow out of these statements that caused so much stress and insecurities about who I am, actually. When I am threatened by these traumas of mine, I need to recall what God says about me and His character and promises:

I'm a child of God. John 1:12
I'm loved by Christ even when I fail. Romans 5:8
I'm redeemed, made new. 2 Corinthians 5:17
I'm chosen by God, not the world. Isaiah 43:1 
I'm complete in Jesus. Colossians 2:10

My identity is not what I achieve. How people perceive me or how hard I work—like if I’m not doing something impressive, I’m invisible; like if I’m not succeeding, then I’m not worth existing. If I’m not loved by someone, if I’m not getting the attention I need, then who am I?

This world tells me that job will define who I am, so, I kill myself just to prove I matter.

This world tells me that I´m my relationship status, so, I chase love like it´s oxygen.

This world tells me that I´m my pain, so, I wear trauma like my badge of honor.

This world tells me that I´m my body, so, I punish myself in exercises thinking it´s my only value.

This world tells me that I´m my social media following, so, I´m addicted to likes and validation from strangers and it..

It´s this endless cycle of doing more and being more, because deep down we´re terrified that without all of it we are nothing..

So, what really matters?

Is what JESUS SAYS ABOUT ME;